He is the personification of actualization; the minister at the Temple of Infinitude. Ladies and gentlemen, you are in for a real treat. I know this guy. He’s brilliant. I mean… there is just no measuring his ability to conceptualize and harmonize; to alleviate and deviate ALL thoughts connected to the SPORT of professional wrestling… Internet, meet Sliced Bread a.k.a. Brian Andrews.
Okay, obviously, that isn’t true. I gotta tell you loyal followers though, all 24 of you, I feel like… I feel, hmm…
Is it too soon to just take a moment to absorb how incredible the written word still is? Thank you to those who continuously hold the faith in my infinitude.
That’s enough of all that. Let’s talk about current events.
2. The Implications of Wealth
We are scant hours from Money in the Bank, emanating LIVE from the Garden in Boston! This is a very exciting time to be a wrestling fan. All you that know me know I tend to say that quite often, but previous years have been more of a prophetic calling to arms rather than a flat-out statement. Watch the show. I’m telling you right now, the left turn occurs June 29, 2014. You can uh, bank on it.
Not only have we been without a WWE World Heavyweight Champion since forever ago, we haven’t had anyone even directly chasing it. This has been a major hindrance on WWE programming as of late. Toss in the fact that all the secondary and even tertiary championship divisions are essentially non-existent, and you get a very tedious evening of Raw. Or Smackdown. Or Main Event. Or Superstars. Or NXT… No, NXT rocks. Majorly. Watch NXT I guess is the message there.
The point being, we have an absolutely loaded show waiting for us, let’s dig in.
1. Big E vs. Rusev (with Lana)
I expect bedlam. If their last encounter was any indication, we should have a HOT opener with an abundance of passion, intensity, and contact. (Alexander) Rusev takes it over Big E (Langston) simply to save a better story for Summerslam (hopefully).
2. Summer Rae vs. Layla (Guest Referee: Fandango)
This is what I’m talking about right here. I’m no misogynist, but is it so bad to have some attractive ladies get down and brawl female style over a very personal issue? This is going to be a little more brutal than we’d all think given the past offerings concerning the Divas being physical, that much I can say. What I can’t say is how far they’ll go… I’d rather be pleasantly surprised watching live.
Oh, and Fandango’s there too. Winner is Summer Rae because she’s younger and we’re doing that “New Generation” thing again.
3. Rybaxel (Ryback and Curtis Axel) vs. Goldust and Stardust
I’m not exactly sure how to feel about this one. I’m sure it will be a nicely told, technically proficient, hard-hitting contest. That being said, what exactly is the issue between these two teams? I don’t think the former Brotherhood has beaten Rybaxel, although I could be wrong… That’s not the story though, is it? This is what I’m not sure about, is this another chapter of Cody’s journey back into singles action? Is it the re-solidification of the Rhodes Brothers’ team? Rybaxel has made some serious strides since their mutual acceptance of their place on the roster, but there’s no reason whatsoever why this couldn’t happen on Raw. Sorry. Team GoldStar with the still-hot debut victory, although it could go either way for you choose-your-own-adventure types.
4. Paige (c) vs. Naomi for the WWE Divas Championship
Oh, jeez… I don’t wanna get on one of those “this is just terrible booking” rants, so I’ll break it down as easy as possible:
– Naomi was being moved into position to vie for the Divas Championship until an unfortunate stiff knee from the formally contracted Aksana put her on the shelf.
– With AJ’s departure coming immediately after WrestleMania, something had to be done. Unfortunately, they put all their Diva chips on Paige.
– Convalescence complete. OMG gotta get this belt on Naomi NOOOOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!
At least that’s how it seems. I’m no dirt sheet reader, but I do watch Total Divas so I know all my info is kayfabe approved. Naomi becomes champion although I hope they do a Cameron run-in for the DQ to put this thing on hold. Let her additional stories wrap up properly before having her legitimately competing for a championship. Cameron deserves that much, she is thebomb.com after all.
5. Bad News Barrett vs. Dean Ambrose vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Jack Swagger (with Zeb Colter) vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Seth Rollins (Traditional Money in the Bank match)
Let’s all take a moment here to appreciate the vast expanse we could dip into. Fantasy bookers are going crazy. Check r/SquaredCircle. Check 411mania.com. Check any wrestling site. The winner of this match and the winner of the WWE World Heavyweight Championship ladder match are going to be the catalysts bringing us into our next big programming paradigm. I could go on for pages about this. I could go on for days about this. Sorry to disappoint, but this is one (or two) you gotta pick out on your own. The real shift starts here, guys. Brace yourself, because the coaster is just about to reach it’s first peak.
6. The Usos (Jimmy and Jey Uso) (c) vs. The Wyatt Family (Luke Harper and Erick Rowan) for the WWE Tag Team Championships
No doubt the Wyatts have been on an amazing roll since about Day One, and the Usos have only scratched the surface of their long-term potential. Win, lose, or draw I guarantee you this one is going to cement these four men’s reputations for years to come. I’m talking knock-down, drag-out, in your face action here. We’re gonna see the spiritual successor to The Shield and Evolution’s program kicking into high-gear. You’ll be asking yourselves how much further can these men go in trying to win a match. The Family assumes their individual identities at Money in the bank, but with Jimmy and Jey pulling out all the stops, Harper and Rowan fall short of championship gold (or bronze, or whatever).
7. Alberto Del Rio vs. Bray Wyatt vs. Cesaro (with Paul Heyman) vs. John Cena vs. Kane vs. Randy Orton vs. Roman Reigns vs. Sheamus (Ladder Match for the vacated WWE World Heavyweight Championship)
I can’t stress enough how important this match is. I don’t want to come off like some kind of “Triple H being interviewed by Michael Cole” type, but five or even ten years from now, this will be one of those moments that are brought up in discussing when this era started. This may be the official beginning. You know what? I feel bad for the new Danielson family. The tippy-top to the bottom of the barrel in two months. I would assume they had big plans post-WrestleMania, and I hope they can still tell that story sometime, but there is too much being stirred in this pot to just let this be a placeholder. We already have the first new S-Class star in Daniel Bryan, who is going to be his dance partner? Again, I don’t want to delve too deeply into this, it’s way too hot to get that close but I feel good knowing that it would actually take more work to screw this up than it would take to get the ball rolling on something really special.
But then again it’s the WWE. So it’ll probably just be:
Sorry it had to come to that, but I’ll seriously flip if that’s what we get. Until then, though, this is Brian Andrews typing live here in the BEAUTIFUL Temple of Infinitude, signing off.