That’s right. I am still a-sleeping away. I’m not even trolling around the WWE Network looking for crappy matches and shows to watch either. I’m talking about the product right now. In the year two thousand and fourteen. It’s sad to say; I would generally be one of the most enthusiastic people to discuss the WWE with. Alas, it is not that way now, as I am too busy nodding off on my Mondays and Fridays.
However, Night of Champions is a scant three days away, and judging by the way the WWE is choosing to present it’s product, it seems as if the only thing that is actually necessary to following, understanding, and enjoying what the WWE has to offer is to just lay down that $9.99 and watch the shows formerly referred to as pay-per-views. Let’s take a look at what awaits us this Sunday!
All this, and perhaps even longer run-on sentences await you inside. I’m Brian Andrews; welcome to The Universe.
9. Still Snoozin’ (Night of Champions Something Something Blah Blah Blah)
Please do not misunderstand. I love the WWE. I love professional wrestling in general, and the WWE definitely butters my bread in that regard. I noted in my last article that we are reaching those Autumn Woes from head to toes when the product grows overexposed and reaches new lows like Brie Modes and Adam Rose juxtaposed with dos bros coming to blows but I suppose that’s how the show flows… you know?
Let’s get right to this. On Sunday, September 21, 2014, WWE presents Night of Champions! How do we think it will go down here in the Temple of Infinitude? Check it:
1. Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins
For some reason, I’ve heard quite a bit about this Roman Reigns character being the next chosen one. I don’t get it. At least as far as the IWC is concerned, there isn’t one argument or piece of evidence that would convince me that this guy is the heir apparent, so to speak. Roman’s schtick is already growing stale in my opinion, and it really seems he got stuck in this position so Dean Ambrose could film a movie. Hey, I’m all about kayfabe, but for God’s sake, the damn film is on IMDB! I think he’ll be okay from that Curb Stomp into concrete…
Oh, the match. It’ll be alright. I’m sure Seth will draw a bit more out of Roman than Randy would, but we are going to see Seth Rollins victorious this Sunday. Maybe a run-in, maybe they copy the finish from this Monday’s Raw and do the interference there, something like that.
2. Chris Jericho vs. Randy Orton
Do you understand what I’m saying when I say the product is terrible right now? “Oh, Chris, you said something bad about me… now we must fight on pay-per-view!” Really, I should take the exclamation point out of that purported quote; I’m not sure Randy Orton is capable of speaking with any kind of inflection. Why is this match happening? Just to have matches? Take this out, let the young guys go a bit longer. This match is totally unnecessary. Here’s the whole match: You do a move, I do a move. Repeat a few times. Randy does lots of moves (stomps or something). Chris rallies. Randy with an RKO OUT OF NOWHERE!!!! End.
3. Gold and Stardust vs. The Usos for the WWE Tag Team Championships
Gold and Stardust (is that their team name?) are bad guys now for some reason. The Usos have been the dominant(?) champions since March, and are desperate for a program that means a God damn. This isn’t it. All four of these men are talented, sure, but who gives a crap? I’m going to try to just shut off my cynicism for this one, and try to enjoy the competition. I’m sure they’ll get enough time to tell a decent story, and hopefully something more palpable for weekly television will come out of it.
My prediction? The Usos stay on top. With The Ascension losing at Takeover, and getting punked my KEN… I mean Hideo Kasami, it just seems like a good time to come up north and show the WWE main roster what tag team dominance is all about.
4. Mark Henry vs. Rusev, USA vs. Russia
Yes, the USA vs. Russia thing is still a thing. Yes, this is a good thing. Besides all of the nice, little hintings at America’s flaws (I especially love how we’re such marks that we still chant for Swagger even though he’s a heel in reality), this is just a fantastic way to bring up a character based on Russian dominance. Do any of you really think Mark Henry stands a chance? Really?
He doesn’t. (Alexander) Rusev makes mince-meat out of Mark. Please don’t drag it out with Mark Henry like you did with Swagger. One and done with this guy. I did have a thought though: USA vs. Russia. A Russian dominating American athletes. A nice WrestleMania build for a final-run Kurt Angle. Just sayin’.
5. Nikki Bella vs. AJ Lee vs. Paige, Triple Threat Match for the WWE Diva’s Championship
Whew… this is a mess. Let me clean it up real quick for everybody so you can go take a smoke break or a piss break or whatever, anything else but watch this garbage. Paige retains after Brie interference, most likely pinning AJ, because F-U AJ, apparently.
6. The Miz vs. Dolph Ziggler for the WWE Intercontinental Championship
This rivalry is so uninteresting that the WWE apparently needed to add copies of the parties involved. I do wonder if Damien Mizdow and R-Ziggler are going to play a part at Night of Champions. Personally, I hope so. If they keep this shiz going for a couple more months, we could very well be on track for a traditional Survivor Series match come this November. Here’s how I see this thing going down:
1. The Miz 2. Damien Mizdow 3. Miz-dango 4. Titus Miz-Neil
1. Dolph Ziggler 2. R-Ziggler 3. Zig Ryder 4. Dolph Slater
I really wish I could photoshop, because those doctored team pictures would be GOLD. Really, it doesn’t matter who wins. Sooner, rather than later, Bad News Barret will be returning to claim his rightful place as Intercontinental Champion.
7. Cesaro vs. Sheamus for the WWE United States Championship
I guess this match has to take place in order to fit the Night of Champions motif. Cesaro won his number-one contendership over RVD some weeks ago, and then… Wait, I’ll think of it. I’m sure something happened since August to build this match in the slightest. Maybe something on Main Event?
In any case, these two are fighting for a championship that somehow has become less prestigious than the WWE European Championship. I enjoy Cesaro to be sure, and Sheamus can bring it if absolutely necessary. I just don’t think these two are going to be able to have a good one this Sunday. It will most likely be mired somewhere in the middle of the show as filler; a popcorn match, so to speak. I would imagine Cesaro to take the win at Night of Champions because I’m an optimist, but then again, who cares? It’s not as if having the United States Championship is some kind of springboard to a brighter future in the WWE. It really is just ten extra pounds to carry around. Sorry.
8. John Cena vs. Brock Lesnar for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship
Normally, I would have a more advanced-level rant ready when I talk about the main event of any show I cover. This is done to further emphasize the importance of the closing match. I have no such rant for this match.
That isn’t to say that this match is not important. It is, after all, for the richest prize in this industry. There just isn’t any believability in the challenger’s chances to defeat the champion.
John Cena would have you believe that he has changed since his crushing, one-sided, embarrassing defeat at the hands of Brock Lesnar. Do not be fooled. The words that come out of that man’s mouth are the pleas of a desperate man. It is sickeningly obvious to me that Brock Lesnar is going to wipe the mat with John Cena.
Brock Lesnar will decimate John Cena this Sunday. It really is that simple. I must admit, I doubt I will enjoy it as much the second time. Sequels rarely live up to the original, but make no mistake: I will still enjoy watching Brock Lesnar tear John Cena limb from limb this Sunday at Night of Champions.
Hey Seth, good luck with that briefcase thing you got going on.