The Universe – Entry Eleven: Suckage

What is happening in the WWE right now? I have a pretty good idea, and unfortunately, it’s all bad. Take a look inside and see exactly what’s going wrong and how the WWE can fix it listen to me complain.

I’m Brian Andrews; welcome to The Universe. Let’s get started.

 11. Suckage

Can I just say something here? This past Monday’s Raw was a complete and utter failure. Top to bottom; start to finish. It’s been an especially atrocious autumn season for the WWE, and I can only see more pain and misery on the horizon. My biggest question is: Where in the holy hell is Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman?

I understand we’re trying something different with Brock’s championship reign, but there isn’t even any mention of the man. No one is talking about the WWE World Heavyweight Championship, no one is challenging for it, there isn’t even a match signed for it. We do have a John Cena vs. Dean Ambrose match for the right to fight Seth Rollins later in the night signed so… yay?

I’ve checked out. There it is. I watch every Monday still, but I’m barely there. It’s really painful watching on a week to week basis, knowing that the suits and the polo shirts have no idea what they’re doing with their talent or the whole company for that matter.

It’s hard to piece together an impassioned and thought-provoking article when the product that I use to inspire such qualities fail to deliver it. So what do I do then? Continue to bitch and moan, or course!

First on the chopping block is Kane. Dude, it’s time to go. Nothing personal, but, man, you are completely unnecessary to the product entirely. Kane could literally be anybody else on the roster; just another body. I kind of liked the dynamic of a corporate-flavored Kane, but why (oh why) is your official roster name Corporate Kane? It’s a nice hashtag, but it is not your name, sir. Get with it. Better yet, don’t get with it. Just go home.

Speaking of unnecessary, how about the Celtic Warrior, Sheamus as United States Champion? Not to say that Sheamus is entirely unnecessary, but his reign as champion of all of America has had no sense of importance. There is nothing going on with the U.S. Championship. Nothing. I suppose you could notch the U.S. Championship to “unnecessary” status as well.

I asked this earlier, but seriously, where is the WWE World Heavyweight Championship? It is supposed to be the richest prize in all of sports entertainment, it’s supposed to be the center of the most important stories and angles, and it’s supposed to be what all WWE Superstars aspire for. Quick question? Who’s the number-one contender for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship? Nobody. Who’s making some noise to get a hold of that sumbitch? Nobody. WHAT SHOW AM I WATCHING HERE!?

I can indeed smell what The Rock is cooking, and it smells like shit. I don’t give a rat’s ass about how and why The Rock showed up on Raw this past Monday, he should’ve stayed gone. Is The Rock the true American hero to finally defeat the Russian Superpower? Hell no. He just came out because it was a convenient coincidence. Fair enough, but how about bumping something that could’ve not happened? Like basically ANYTHING ELSE. At least Rusev’s deal is an ongoing story that makes some modicum of sense. Go catchphrase on Hoda and Kathie Lee, for God’s sake.

Hoda and Kathie Lee… nope. Not going to say anything, I’m just going to brace myself for NeNe and Todd Chrisley’s guest hostings next week, whoever those people are.

BAH GAWD! DEAN AMBROSE IS ROLLING A HOT DOG CART TO THE RING! So the unstable, ultra-violent, lunatic fringe Dean Ambrose has a beef with John Cena. What does he do about it? Goes to Coney Island? Get’s a hot dog? Wow, Dean, take it easy. You’ve gone too far now, you need to tone it down; think of the kids! Of course he comes back, and apparently he’s stolen a hot dog cart from Coney Island. He took the hot dog cart, and got all the way back to the Barclays Center without getting arrested. Cool. Whatever. But did you really have to squirt grown men with ketchup and mustard? Did you really have to dump sauerkraut on a grown man? There wasn’t one part of that segment that made anybody look good. Truly awful.

The Intercontinental Championship has become a hot potato. I remarked about the idiocy of The Miz winning the IC Championship in that battle royal some months back since Dolph Ziggler won it on Miz’s first defense. Then what happens? The Miz wins it back on DOLPH ZIGGLER’S FIRST DEFENSE. You’ll never guess what happened after that. Okay, guess… If you guessed that Ziggler won the title back the very next night, you guessed correctly. What. The. Hell. I think it would be a fair assumption to make that Bad News Barrett is going to want to win that sucker back when he returns. Hey, WWE, how about making a champion (or a championship, for that matter) that’s worth a God damn for your returning, hugely over babyface to chase after.

Hey, AJ and Paige, can you guys just make out already and get it over with? I kid, but seriously, something needs to happen between these two, HLA or no HLA.

Also on the Diva’s side of things, Brie Mode needs to go away. Both Bellas need to go. I was initially excited for this, but it has degraded into… Well it didn’t really degrade, it was always pretty cringe-worthy, but it was cringe-worthy in a nice way. At least there was Nikki beating the tar out of Brie. That was nice. Let’s just end the whole Bella thing. You ladies, get your asses in the kitchen and make me a sammich.

Anything else? Oh, of course there is. There’s always more for a company as large as the WWE during their annual IDGAF season. But for now, I’m gonna just sign off and go watch some Raw of yesteryear, maybe some good ol’ 1994 ridiculousness will better my mood.

/endsermon

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