Ten days removed from, historically speaking, one of the most tepid, run of the mill, completely average annual Pay-Per-View offerings in all of WWE’s history, and it seems as if the tradition is set to continue. I myself am completely and one hundred percent impartial to the proceedings that are set to commence on this Halloween’s Eve-Eve-Eve-Eve-Eve. Please, gaze upon this slice of what would be called “hype” for this, the sixth annual WWE Hell in a Cell event:
What has brought on this amazing amount of indifference? Well, let me break it down to you in what is sure to be an article of some kind. I’m Brian Andrews; welcome to The Universe. Let’s get started.
12. Purgatory in a Cell
If you’ve been reading my recent articles (and you definitely haven’t), you would notice that the ol’ B-Ri hasn’t exactly been setting the blog world on fire. Hey, these things happen. It’s that damn autumnal shitquinox the WWE likes to do every year.
Hey, WWE, I know you can’t beat Monday Night Football. You know you can’t beat Monday Night Football. My query is this, though: Who cares? Maybe instead of shutting off for a few months every year and giving millions of casual fans a reason to stick to ESPN, how about trying to provide even more captivating television than normal? Give those casual fans a bit of guilt for missing the amazing show you should be continuing to provide every single week.
I’m digressing from the point of this article. As evidenced by last few articles, I’ve been asleep at the keyboard. This past Monday’s Raw has rustled my slumber. It was a real decent show; good matches, nice progressions of stories, etc. It managed to get me excited in the least for Hell in a Cell. That is an accomplishment in itself because this has been the first show since subscribing to the WWE Network ($9.99) that I was considering skipping.
Now that I have some renewed interest, I want to see what’s going down for Hell in a Cell!
1. Big Show vs. Rusev
This is probably my favorite thing going with the current WWE programming. I’ve got nothing but good things to say for Rusev, and not even Big Show and/or Mark Henry is going to ruin it for me. I really hope the WWE starts letting people in on some of subtleties of this story, because they are doing wayyy too good of a job of making the average American look terrible. Not to say we as Americans in general aren’t, but if you don’t let us stupidheads in on your little fable, how can we learn the lessons you are trying to teach? Rusev wins in impressive fashion.
2. Sheamus vs. The Miz for the WWE United States Championship
It seems like the WWE only has four second/third-tier championship contenders. Seriously, where the hell is anybody besides The Miz and Cesaro challenging for these titles? It would be forgivable if this was a Pay-Per-View only kind of thing, but these title matches happen on Raw and Smackdown with the same set of challengers regularly! Sheamus-dow was entertaining on Main Event this week to be sure, but that joke is really starting to grind on, and I think it’s time for the intellectual savior of the masses to break back out on his own. That being said, this match is uninspired and I am not looking forward to it. My gut says Sheamus retains, but WWE logic dictates that The Miz wins the championship and then loses it the next night because who cares, nobody’s watching anyways.
3. Brie Bella vs. Nikki Bella, Loser becomes Winner’s assistant
4. John Cena vs. Randy Orton, Hell in a Cell
One note of interest here, John Cena and Randy Orton main-evented the very first Hell in a Cell Pay-Per-View back in 2009. Other than that, it’s John Cena vs. Randy Orton. You know what you’re getting into, and it isn’t good. How many times have these two fought each other? Too many, I can say that. This match is unnecessary to say the least. Next.
Oh, Cena wins.
5. Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins, Hell in a Cell
I am looking forward to this match to spite the build. What a terrible, terrible build-up. Condiments and Cenas just all over the place. All that aside, we’ve got two of the brightest new Superstars going head to head in what would be the blood-feud pay-off if we were in a different era. I would still expect these two to pull out some stops; to really tell a brutal tale inside of that cell. I know Ambrose and Rollins are more than capable of holding their own without all the extra Authority stuff, and I’m sure we are going to get something truly worth sinking our collective teeth into… That is until said Authority does something to screw Ambrose. Rollins picks up the tainted victory and continues to be The Authority’s golden boy.
Now, I’m sure Cesaro vs. Ziggler for the Intercontinental Championship will be announced before long. I’m not getting into this as it is not announced, but you can be sure Cesaro/Ziggler will be more than worth watching.
That, my friends is how you drum up apathy on a worldwide level. I cannot believe I didn’t type “Brock Lesnar”, “Paul Heyman”, or “WWE World Heavyweight Championship” once during this run-down. Nothing about a number-one contendership, no personal issues with the champ, no placeholder Paul Heyman guy, nothing. A tournament to face Brock Lesnar could take us all the way to the Royal Rumble if you did it right. That could get some fresh faces on television while at the same time building a number one contender up in a very good way. Alas, too many heads are up too many asses to even consider that or even something at all to get the WWE World Heavyweight Championship in people’s minds.
It is indeed an especially grim period in WWE History. If I could offer one piece of advice to those with decision making power, it would be this: Don’t spoil what you have by desiring what you don’t have; remember that what you have now was once among the things you only hoped for. You could have a much nicer thing going, you have the talent to do it. Make a plan, and stick to it, damn it.