Exclusive breaking news – Everybody Hates Cleveland has learned that contrary to widespread belief among fans, Nick Swisher is in fact NOT dead.
Swisher was widely considered to be deceased after batting a paltry .208 and playing in only 97 games last year. When reached for comment, Swisher said the following:
“Dead? What the hell are you talking about? I’ve been around all offseason. You’ve seen me on Twitter and Instagram. I literally joined the broadcast team for the freaking World Series. Was no one paying any attention? Is this a joke or something?”
Swisher, who played in 145+ games in each of the past 8 seasons continued:
“I mean, I understand I had a bad year, but I’ve been in MLB for 11 years. Doesn’t that mean anything? Both of my knees were injured. It’s the first time I’ve ever had a major injury. This is insane.”
When it was pointed out most fans assumed Swisher had died of natural causes after reaching the ripe old age of 34, Swisher appeared insulted:
“I’m 34. That’s not even that old. It’s 2015, I’m not trying to go on the Oregon Trail or something, here. Is this a real interview?”
When asked if he would allow Paul Hoynes to pinch him to prove he wasn’t a ghost, Swisher erupted:
“That’s it. Enough. I’m not the first player to ever return from an injury to play again. It happens hundreds of times a year. Hell – Michael Bourn is right over there, ask him.”
Everybody Hates Cleveland was unable to confirm that Michael Bourn, who was also considered super dead, is in fact still living and planning to play baseball this year.
More as the story develops.